


Hospital Dicksaster

by annanotesxo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, NO DEATH, Sorry Not Sorry, Zayn is in it, cannon compliant i suppose, don't hate me, just silliness, not angst, seriously dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 15:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9553769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annanotesxo/pseuds/annanotesxo
Summary: ‘I am so sorry. So sorry,’ Harry cried to Louis, as the paramedics rushed them through the A&E doors, ‘I really thought I could hold it, I just wanted to make you feel good. I am so sorry,’‘If you don’t shut up, I will literally kill you!’ Louis said between groans of pain, writhing in the fast moving gurney. Can they get him some fucking pain meds already? He thought, trying to ignore how mortifying it all was, squirming every time he moved his hand which was now pressing gauze tightly around his dick to stop the bleeding. Fuck. There was so much blood.‘I am so, so sorry.’OR, au where Harry and Louis end up in hospital after a blowjob gone wrong. Recent articles from the Sun make the whole situation even worse.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is dumb.
> 
> Disclaimer, I know nothing about hospitals or injured dicks, but whatever, this is just for a laugh. The idea came to me back in 2015 when I couldn’t stop sneezing.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,’ Harry has been repeating for fifteen minutes now. Wasn’t the response time in London supposed to be eight minutes? That’s what the internet claimed three months back when they googled it when Niall broke his foot at least. What a strange thing to remember at such a stressful moment.

 

So why, seriously fucking why, was this fucking ambulance taking so long? Did they not realise the absolute _agony_ that Louis was currently in? Did they not understand the _seriousness_ of this particular emergency?

 

Louis was suffering. Absolutely suffering, and his boyfriend of five years was _not_ helping with his pacing and constant apologies.

 

And he was naked. Obviously, he was naked. They were having sex and suddenly _this_. Why was _this_ happening to him? He was a good person. He donated to charity. He took care of his siblings.

 

Again, what a strange thing to remember at such a stressful moment. Siblings. His tiny, tiny siblings, who will no doubt find out about this particular incident on some celebrity news site. Or, even worse, _the Sun_. 

 

Fuck, he was _naked_ and several paramedics were about to barge into his home and find him on his bed, desperately trying to keep himself from bleeding out by pressing their beautiful white bedsheets to his poor, mangled dick. Because that was a thing that was happening. That’s what he got for letting Harry suck his cock while having that horrendous cold. 

 

Lets rewind back about twenty minutes, back when things were going great. They finally had some time together and were gonna make the best of it. Harry’s mouth was around Louis’ cock, doing absolutely obscene things, when Harry started pulling all these strange faces. He was still at it though, because, apparently, around Louis’ cock was Harry’s mouth favourite place to be. And then _it_ happened. 

 

He sneezed. 

 

But it wasn’t a normal sneeze. It was some sort of mega intense, jaw clenching around Louis’ dick with immense force, brutally almost severing the thing in half, beast of a sneeze. Sure, Louis has heard about this woman biting her husband’s dick off in the news once, but that was _on purpose_. This was some bizarre accident. 

 

And the agony. Absolute agony.

 

Harry was crying now. Weeping.

 

‘Babe, I love you, but I don’t have time to comfort _you_ now!’ Louis hissed through the pain. This was not his ideal Friday night.

 

Then, finally — FINALLY — their intercom started to buzz.

 

Help was finally here.

 

‘Oh thank god,’ Louis sighed. Harry was already running out of their bedroom, ‘wait, you idiot, put some clothes on! It’s enough that I’m already on display! We don’t need any photos of you out there as well!’

 

Yeah, there were _definitely_ going to be photos. People are scum.

 

‘Yeah, okay, okay, you’re right!’ he quickly muttered, still shaky, before grabbing his satin dressing gown — not much help — and running to the door.

 

Luckily, while the paramedics were making their first quick assessment, asking all their questions while putting Louis on the stretcher, absolutely shocked that this wasn’t a prank call, but indeed a pop-star genuinely almost getting their dick bitten off, he managed to convince Harry to put actual clothes on. Damn, he hoped those paramedics would have the decency not to spread this story around, but who was he kidding? Not only were two pop-stars, who as far as the world knew were straight, having sex, but somehow one managed to almost completely castrate the other! With his teeth! If that wasn’t a wild story to share, then he didn’t know what was. 

 

The fact that Harry was so horrendously freaking out did not help _at all_. He just would not stop. Covered in snot, swollen faced, red eyed — this was not how heartthrob Harry was usually seen. And he just _kept going_. He did not stop. Not during the ambulance ride, and definitely not once they made it to the hospital. The bright lights and sterilised smell of it all just made him even more panicky. 

 

‘I am so sorry. So sorry,’ he cried to Louis, latched onto his arm as the paramedics rushed them through the A&E doors, ‘I really thought I could hold it, I just wanted to make you feel good. I am so sorry,’

 

Louis couldn’t take it anymore.

 

‘Listen, if you don’t shut up, I will literally kill you!’ he hissed between groans of pain, writhing in the fast moving gurney. _Can they get him some fucking pain meds already?_ He thought, trying to ignore how mortifying it all was, squirming every time he moved his hand which was now pressing gauze tightly around his dick to stop the bleeding. Fuck. There was so much blood.

 

‘I am so, so sorry.'

 

Louis was _so done_ with this day.

 

He was wheeled into an emergency room, surrounded by people talking in their medical-code that a civilian like him could not possibly keep up with. They kept Harry outside and away from him for a few moments, at least. 

 

The doctors on call made their assessment. After just a quick look, he was going to be rushed right into surgery for damage control.

 

Damage control? Oh fuck no.

 

They were moving him out of the room in an instant and he just could not have this.

 

‘What do you mean damage control? I don’t want no amateur doctors working on my dick!’ he screeched, wide-eyed. Luckily, he saw Harry as they came out of the room and into the corridor, ‘Harry! Harry, pull yourself together and get me a specialist! Get me the best dick doctor in the world! I don’t trust these people at all!’ he yelled as he was being rushed away, leaving his terrified boyfriend behind.

 

 

***

 

Niall arrived half an hour later. It only took two seconds of Harry’s shaky, whimpering voice over the phone for him to grab his Oyster card and farmer hat and run out of the flat. In retrospect, he wished he had showered, but _priorities_ , right? A friend in need trumps personal hygiene on any day.

 

Really, it was a testament of how distraught Harry was at that point, because, not only was he not teasing Niall about his BO but he was also, willingly, hugging into his chest — and, partially, his armpit — and being lightly patted on the head. With his other hand, Niall was holding up a crumpled up tissue to Harry’s nose, which was constantly dripping. It was actually quite disgusting.

 

‘Harry! Niall!’ they both turned towards the voice to see Liam walking towards him.

 

He wasn’t alone.

 

‘Zayn?!’ Niall said incredulously, mouth falling open. He had not seen his ex-bandmate, who was now hovering a few steps behind Liam like some shadow of a person, since he quit the band. Not on the best of terms either, quite honestly, ‘Why the fuck are you here?’

 

Zayn just shrugged slightly, avoiding his shocked gawking by staring off to the side.

 

‘Well, I was at Liam’s, just catching up, when he got the call that Louis was in hospital— well, I’m not heartless, I had to come too.’

 

‘Wait. You two stayed in touch?’ Niall said, loud and appalled, ‘You stayed in touch with Liam but not me? Why?’

 

‘I don’t know Niall—‘

 

‘Well, fuck you. That really hurts man!’ he frowned petulantly, letting go of Harry just to point an accusatory finger at Zayn ‘Actually, I’m seriously offended. You have offended me and, by extension, all of Ireland and I will personally start a petition to ban you from ever entering the country again. You cunt.’

 

‘What the hell Niall?’ Zayn snorted in return, ‘Bit dramatic tonight, aren’t we? Stop over-reacting.’

 

‘Well, maybe I missed you too! So it hurts, you know. It really hurts.’

 

After a pause, Zayn answered, sounding guilty, ‘Sorry mate. I know I’ve fucked up leaving things like I did. I missed you too, you know.’

 

‘Oh my god, guys—‘ Harry, currently being an emotional mess, started ushering them all into a group hug, exclaiming, ‘look at us, the whole gang back together,’ in a weepy voice.

 

‘God, I’ve not seen him this shaken up since he found out that guys can’t get pregnant,’ Zayn muttered, unimpressed.

 

As everyone was trying to squirm away from Harry’s tight hold, a surgeon approached them. He cleared his throat to get their attention. 

 

‘So, I assume all of you are here for Louis,’ he said, looking in particular at the red-eyed disaster that was Harry.

 

‘Yes! Yes, doctor. Please tell us he’s okay. I don’t know what I would do without him—‘ Harry said desperately, letting go of everyone.

 

‘He’s okay,’ the doctor said quickly, clearly sensing that Harry would probably just keep going with his emotional exclamations.

 

All of the boys sighed in relief, hugging Harry in support.

 

‘Thank god,’ Harry said tearily, ‘and thank _you_ doctor.’

 

‘Just doing my job,’ the doctor said with a polite smile, ‘you can come into his room now, but it will take him a while to wake up.’

 

‘Yes!’ Harry cheered, ‘thank you, thank you, thank you.’

 

***

 

It took an hour for Louis to wake up. Harry, who had been watching him intently, noticed every little flicker of an eyelid and, as soon as Louis’ eyes opened, he squealed, then proceeded to throw his arms around Louis, hugging into his chest. The boys cheered and wolf-whistled.

 

‘I love you so much,’ he said, voice muffled because he was pressing his face so tight into Louis’ chest. Louis looked around the room dopily, trying to get everything into focus. 

 

‘I was so scared,’ Harry’s voice wobbled, moving back to look into his boyfriend’s eyes.

 

Suddenly, Louis gasped, staring back with wide, startled eyes.

 

‘We need to postpone the wedding!’ he said gravely, making Harry panic. What did he mean? Was Louis so furious with him that he didn’t want to get married anymore? 

 

‘Why?’ he choked out.

 

‘I’m not having a honeymoon without a working dick, Harry! There’s only so much scrabble a man can take. I can’t do it for a whole month!’ Then he turned to the others, ‘Oh, and did you know that this lil’ shit cheats in scrabble?’

 

‘What? How?’ Niall instantly chortled.

 

‘He fucking made little scratches in the high scoring letters so that he could recognise them when picking them out of the bag!’ Louis said.

 

‘What the fuck Harry?’

 

‘ _And_ I think he can tell the a’s by the slightly rise of the print. It’s his freaky alien fingers.’

 

‘Heeey,’ Harry was just beginning to mumble excuses awkwardly, when there was a knock on the door. A police officer appeared with the doctor from before. 

 

‘Sorry to interrupt,’ the police officer said in a calm, even voice, but it caused tension to instantly rise among all of the boys.

 

‘What’s going on?’ Harry asked, frowning cautiously.

 

‘We’d like you to come with us,’ she continued.

 

‘What? Why?’

 

‘Well, It has been suggested that this incident may have been intentional — an act of violence rather than accident.’

 

‘You think I did this on purpose? Why the fuck would I do this on purpose?’

 

‘We have reason to believe that there has been tension between you and Mr Tomlinson and we would like to—‘

 

‘Do you mean the fucking Sun articles? You seriously believe that?’

 

Oh yes. Dear old Sun. They had been insisting on this feud between Louis and Harry in their articles for months now, but really? _Really?_ Who the hell would actually believe that? Who would think that Harry could actually _bite someone’s dick off_ out of spite?

 

‘We also have witnesses saying that you,’ she turned to Louis, ‘have been threatening Mr Styles as you were entering the premises—'

 

‘What? That wasn’t for real! Figure of speech or whatever! I was angry because like half of my dick was falling off, of course I was yelling, what the fuck is wrong with you people?’

 

‘Well, even so, we would like to question both of you. Individually.’

 

‘I can’t believe this.’

 

Fuck Dan Wooton and his pathetic “news” stories.

 

‘Please, it would be easier if you just went with us quietly.’

 

‘But—‘

 

‘I insist.’

 

‘Oh— okay.’ Harry said, feeling a bit faint. This was all some bizarre nightmare.

 

After Harry was taken away, Louis was absolutely dumbstruck.

 

‘I can’t believe this,’ he said, staring at the empty space in front of him with genuine shock.

 

‘Well, there _was_ this one woman who chopped her cheating husband’s dick off. _Twice.’_

 

‘That’s not helping Liam.’ Louis said, looking to the corner where Liam stood. There, slouching on a chair was— ‘Zayn? What the hell are you doing here?’

 

‘Him and Liam have been hanging out.’ Niall said begrudgingly.

 

‘What?’

 

Zayn just shrugged, as if caring was some kind of offence that he didn’t want to be guilty of.

 

‘Well then— I mean, I guess it makes sense—‘ Louis drifted off.

 

‘What do you mean?’ Niall tilted his head curiously.

 

Zayn was silent. Liam, on the other hand, was blushing bright red and avoiding their eyes.

 

‘Well, Niall, my dearest—‘ Louis started, but was quickly interrupted by Liam.

 

‘Hey Louis, did they give you a CT scan?’

 

It worked. Louis turned his attention to him and frowned.

 

‘What? Don’t think so? Why?’

 

Liam snickered, clearly satisfied with the response. He paused for effect.

 

‘Oh, you know, for you _head_ injury,’ he said with a smirk, ‘Get it? Head.’

 

‘Oh my god. You’re gonna be the next to go, I swear. This is not a laughing matter! My dick is on the line here. _And_ my fiancé and love of my life who, no doubt, would appreciate that pun because he is an idiot, is being questioned by the police! It’s not funny!’

 

‘It’s a little bit funny.’

 

‘Fuck you.’

 

 

***

 

Harry was sitting in an office. It was small and he later learned it belonged to the surgeon that was treating Louis. There was now a doctor and two police officers sat opposite him on chairs that clearly didn’t belong in the small office, but were brought in there for this impromptu interrogation.

 

Harry was all fidgety. He wanted so badly to be with Louis instead of with these strangers.

 

‘So,’ the male police officer began, ‘can you tell us why you decided to attack your bandmate?’ 

 

‘I didn’t attack him!’ Harry insisted desperately, ‘it was an accident.’

 

‘Well, it’s pretty amazing that you managed to do so much damage by accident,’ the female officer raised her eyebrows, clearly not believing Harry.

 

‘I have strong jaws. It’s all the gum chewing! It helps with my asthma. I didn’t want to do this!’ he was trying not to break down in tears again, ‘Come on, you can’t possibly believe this. It doesn’t _make sense_. If I wanted to hurt him, why would I pick such a weird way to do it?’

 

‘I don’t know, Harry, you tell us.’

 

‘Ugh,’ Harry groaned, ‘this is stupid! My fucking fiancé is going into another surgery soon and I can’t even see him?’

 

‘We would like to keep you separated, until we have established what really happened tonight.’

 

‘An embarrassing, mortifying accident! That’s what happened. I hurt the person I love the most because of having a stupid cold! Because of a _sneeze_!! Please have mercy on me and end this investigation, or whatever it is, because I don’t think I can deal with more embarrassment tonight. I just want to see him. Be with him.’

 

They looked between each other.

 

‘Maybe we can allow it. But, until both of you are interviewed, we will have to insist that you two are not left alone. We wouldn’t want to put anyone at risk.’

 

‘That’s fine,’ he said in defeat. He’d do anything to see Louis again.

 

 

***

 

Harry walked back into Louis’ hospital room, more awkward than distraught. There was now a stranger watching them and he wasn’t quite sure how to act to make sure that he didn’t look like a violent dick-chomping criminal. 

 

‘Babe! Thank god! They let you go?’ Louis said, sitting up in his bed excitedly. 

 

‘Yeah, but we have to be supervised.’ Harry said, with barely a tilt of a smile on his lips. He just wanted to bury himself into Louis. Koala hug the fuck out of him.

 

‘What a load of wank.’ Louis said with a displeased grunt, then opened his arms wide, ‘Come here, love. You look more miserable than me and my dick is _suffering_.’

 

Harry glanced at the police woman, with pleading eyes. She didn’t look pleased, but she nodded that it’s okay nonetheless.

 

Louis moved to the side, making space for Harry in the bed. They squeezed in together, Harry laying his head on Louis’ chest.

 

‘I’m so tired baby.’ Harry sighed sadly.

 

‘Me too, me too,’ Louis replied, softly running his fingers through Harry’s hair, which always soothed him. ‘Just close your eyes. You can nap.’

 

Everyone, save for the police woman who now made herself comfortable in the chair in the corner of the room, took this as a cue to leave.

 

‘I managed to get in touch with a doctor for you, babe. He’s from Edinburgh and I can get him over here tomorrow morning on a private plane.’

 

‘Great. Thank you so much Harry.’ 

 

‘Anything for your dick.’

 

 

***

 

 

Next day, all the boys come over again with gifts. Several dick-shaped balloons. A very realistic dildo. Underwear made of sweets, so that Harry had something else to chew up, instead of Louis’ dick.

 

‘Aw, thanks boys. You sure know how to make a guy feel better.’ Louis said, beyond sarcastic.

 

‘There’s also this,’ Niall said, throwing a newspaper at them. ‘You’re not gonna like it, lads.’

 

Right there, in big bold letters, was the headline.

 

**ONE CASTRATION!!**

 

‘Oh, that’s just fantastic.’ Louis rolled his eyes with a groan.

 

The couple started reading it, eyes moving quickly.

 

‘They are still spinning the story that we hate each other?!?! My dick was literally in your mouth, what do they think we were doing??????? Like what is their story??’ Louis’ exclaimed, refusing to read more.

 

‘Apparently I hate you so much that I convinced you to take part in this homosexual act and you only agreed because you were lonely and heartbroken after finding out that Brianna’s baby isn’t yours.’ Harry informed him, still skimming the article.

 

‘That… that makes no sense.’

 

‘If it makes you feel any better, they’re still spelling her name wrong.’ Harry offered.

 

‘No, not particularly, to be honest.’ Louis replied bitterly, ‘It’s so fucking idiotic! I literally don’t want to live on this planet anymore. I can’t live in a world where people believe anything written by Dan Wooton… or just on one where Dan Wooton even exists. It’s me or Dan Wooton. Get him off the planet or I’m leaving. I’ll go and visit NASA again and convince them to send me off into space, I swear. I can’t be here anymore. Seriously, it all sounds like some bizarre, poorly written fan fiction.’

 

‘You read fan fiction?’ Niall raised hie eyebrows curiously.

 

‘Yeah, but only about us two. Not about you guys, that would be weird.’ Harry explained.

 

‘Yeah, we got some pretty good ideas from them a few times.’ Louis smirked, giving Harry a light nudge on the arm. And an obnoxiously suggestive wink.

 

Harry giggled.

 

‘Well, I’ve actually read one about you and me,’ Niall said, turning to Zayn, ‘and, not gonna lie, I was pretty aroused.’

 

‘What the fuck Niall?’ Zayn frowned.

 

‘Yeah, I’ve read one about us two as well,’ Liam said turning to an uncomfortable-looking Zayn.

 

‘Seriously?’

 

‘Hey, you can’t blame us. You’re a really attractive guy.’ Niall shrugged.

 

‘ _THIS_ is the sort of shit that made me leave the band. You’re all such weirdos.’

 

‘That’s it!’ Louis exclaimed, clearly having stopped paying attention to their conversation, ‘I’ve had enough!’

 

He took out his phone, opening snapchat and their long-abandoned One Direction account.

 

He held the button down to record video.

 

‘Hey everyone. I’ve got something to say. I love Harry Edward Styles. Ever since we met, I’ve loved him and the record label hated it. Syco is homophobic scum and Dan Wattpad is even worse. F—‘

 

The app cut him off.

 

‘You cannot post that!’ Harry squealed, grabbing the phone. ‘I’m gonna delete it. How do you do that—‘

 

‘No! I’ve had enough!’ Louis tried grabbing the phone back.

 

The video posted.

 

It was out. They were out.

 

‘Ooooooh,’ Zayn laughed, ‘you are in _deep_ shit.’

 

‘Fuck.’ 

 

Harry looked to Louis in horror.

 

‘Do you think they’ll sue us? For breaking contract and outing ourselves early?’

 

Louis scoffed.

 

‘Do you know what? I don’t care if they sue us! Let them! We can afford it! We’ll sell the house in France if we have to, but I don’t fucking give a shit about the fucking contract— HALF OF MY DICK WAS FALLING OFF FOR FUCKS SAKE AND THEY MADE A STORY OUT OF IT! When is that fucking surgeon coming anyway? I swear—‘

 

‘Shh,’ Harry said softly, trying to soothe him, ‘do you know what? You are right. I wish we had the chance to do this in a more— well— classy way, but this is good. We’re out. And the doctor will be here soon to fix you up. We will be okay. Your dick will be okay. And we will be right back to fucking all the time again in no time.’

 

‘I’m really uncomfortable right now.’

 

‘Okay No-Homo Liam! Don’t pretend like you’ve not been going at it with Zayn all this time!’

 

‘What?’ Liam choked out, failing to be nonchalant. 

 

‘ _Come on_. We all know why you’re the only one who kept in touch with dear Zaynie over there.’

 

‘I don’t.’ Niall said, furrowing his eyebrows.

 

‘They fucked, Niall.’ 

 

‘ _Oh_.’ his eyes widened, ‘am I the only one who’s not had a dick inside me?’ 

 

‘Yeah, but lets shut up about it, okay?’ Zayn said, ‘Just because these two got caught, don’t mean the rest of us gotta.’

 

‘Yeah. Some of us have “girlfriends”.’ Liam said with an eye-roll, imitating a retching noise.

 

‘At least you don’t have a “son”.’ Louis scoffed.

 

‘To be honest, I don’t think you’re gonna have one much longer after what just went live on snapchat,’ Liam noted.

 

‘Fuck. I should probably delete that.’ 

 

‘It’s too late. It’s been seen.’

 

‘Well, maybe we should explain ourselves better.’

 

‘Twitter?’ Harry suggested.

 

‘Sure, why not. Everything is already public. No going back now.’

 

They took Harry’s phone this time. 

 

‘What should we say?’ he asked, looking from the screen to Louis.

 

‘Lets not overthink it.’

 

‘Okay.’ Harry nodded, face scrunching up in concentration. He started typing. Then, he smiled, ’How about this?’

 

Louis took a moment to read the tweets. Then a satisfied smile crept onto his face.

 

‘Perfect.’ he said, eyes locked with Harry. All the bullshit was gonna come to an end. The truth was out there now and it felt sort of great.

 

 

 

 

Then they cuddled until Louis was called in for his second surgery. The surgery took hours, but the rest of the boys still stayed till the a.m. Because all their favourite conversations were always made in the a.m. Cause they didn’t know what we’re saying, they were just swimming in their glasses (alcohol made the waiting easier) and talking out of their asses (it was nice to catch up). Sadly, they weren’t gonna ‘make it’. OT5 was over. Zayn wasn’t coming back. Unlike Louis’ dick, One Direction couldn’t be stitched back together into a five-some again. Truly heartbreaking. 

 

Like if you cried.

**Author's Note:**

> Well then. Share your thoughts. I said this would be dumb. I hope this isn't the fic I'm known for haha


End file.
